I guess I’m on a "joke" roll….here’s 3 funnies for your enjoyment:
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
"No, it’s true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below.
When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
"No, I’ll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries
him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I’ll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors
…and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’ Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk."
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That’s why we ask."
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
When my wife and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger’s side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It’s open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."
Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999:
…Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one said, "At least we’ll get a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one dollar, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The Dublin Times newspaper headline read:
"IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING"
Anyone else got a joke or funny story to tell?
Here is a my favorite Hawaiian Joke.
Me Mah Who?!
Everyone laughs their asses off except for the poor guy who has no idea what he has just called himself.
(“Mahu” – Pronounced Mah-Who, is the Hawaiian word for transvestite)
Q. What’s did Mark David Chapman say to John Lennon before he shot him?
A. “F*ck you, Ringo!”
I enjoyed the jokes. I think you need to add a new humor category. Jim’s Crazy Ideas doesn’t seem quite right somehow.
These were great Jim. Very Funny. My favorite is “Idiot Sightings #2”.
Thanks for the humor.
A true story from the NY Times.
Sometimes it takes a rocket scientist..
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers looked shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the console, snapped the engineers backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions. NASA responded with a one line memo: Thaw the chicken!
CARELESS CODE RECYCLING CAUSES KILLER KANGAS
Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force
The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia’s armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and – in the case of the Northern Territory’s Operation Phoenix- herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter’s position).
The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization’s land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to
model the local marsupials’ movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures’ speed of movement. Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies “buzzed” the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation.
The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively… then did a double-take as the kangaroos
reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger
missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.)
Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife. Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.
— From June 15, 1999 Defense Science and Technology Organization
Lecture Series, Melbourne, Australia, and staff reports
Shit!, He was superman 😀
that’s really funny!!
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