On the homepage of your website, the server sent to me:
A Promise That You Ship Free.

On page two of your website, the server sent to me:
Two 404’s
And a Promise That You Ship Free.

On page three of your website, the server sent to me:
Three Minutes Load Time
Two 404’s
And a Promise That You Ship Free.

On page four of your website, the server sent to me:
Four Calls to Action
Three Minutes Load Time
Two 404’s
And a Promise That You Ship Free.

One page five of your website, the server sent to me:
FIVE BROKEN LINKS!

Four Calls to Action
Three Minutes Load Time
Two 404’s
And a Promise That You Ship Free.

On page six of your website, the server sent to me:
Six Missing Alt Tags
FIVE BROKEN LINKS!
Four Calls to Action
Three Minutes Load Time
Two 404’s
And a Promise That You Ship Free.

On page seven of your website, the server sent to me:
Seven Image Sliders
Six Missing Alt Tags
FIVE BROKEN LINKS!
Four Calls to Action
Three Minutes Load Time
Two 404’s
And a Promise That You Ship Free.

On page eight of your website, the server sent to me:
Eight Spots for AdSense
Seven Image Sliders
Six Missing Alt Tags
FIVE BROKEN LINKS!
Four Calls to Action
Three Minutes Load Time
Two 404’s
And a Promise That You Ship Free.

On page nine of your website, the server sent to me:
Nine CSS Errors
Eight Spots for AdSense
Seven Image Sliders
Six Missing Alt Tags
FIVE BROKEN LINKS!
Four Calls to Action
Three Minutes Load Time
Two 404’s
And a Promise That You Ship Free.

On page ten of your website, the server sent to me:
Ten Hidden Keywords
Nine CSS Errors
Eight Spots for AdSense
Seven Image Sliders
Six Missing Alt Tags
FIVE BROKEN LINKS!
Four Calls to Action
Three Minutes Load Time
Two 404’s
And a Promise That You Ship Free.

On page eleven of your website, the server sent to me:
Eleven Error Messages
Ten Hidden Keywords
Nine CSS Errors
Eight Spots for AdSense
Seven Image Sliders
Six Missing Alt Tags
FIVE BROKEN LINKS!
Four Calls to Action
Three Minutes Load Time
Two 404’s
And a Promise That You Ship Free.

On page twelve of your website, the server sent to me:
12 Calls to Action
Eleven Error Messages
Ten Hidden Keywords
Nine CSS Errors
Eight Spots for AdSense
Seven Image Sliders
Six Missing Alt Tags
FIVE BROKEN LINKS!
Four Calls to Action
Three Minutes Load Time
Two 404’s

And a Promise That You Ship Free.

Merry Christmas!

From your favorite web site usability analyst.